simply pauline

old friend

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 01:02:50 GMT

Saw Christine today. Very very happy.
She brings clarity to my life.

light on dark

Thu, 28 Apr 2005 23:26:52 GMT

The sun has just peeked out beneath the grey-back clouds. It’s a dazzling light, causing the green grass to shimmer with the drops of rain that linger on the short blades. It really is beautiful – I wish you could see it. It has been very grey and gloomy for a few weeks now. We had one hot sunny day and then the weather returned to more typical spring weather. The sun is playing hide and seek with the clouds now, alternating dark and light. The soil in the gardens appear rich and brown; some birds are poking about looking for worms...

Meaning

Thu, 25 Nov 2004 01:49:10 GMT

New life. In Service to others. Stand tall.
Each year that passes brings with it new challenges and new joys. I make resolutions around the time of my birthday rather than on New Year's Eve. Sometimes the resolutions are similar to mottos or things that echo in my head. For the week before I turned thirty, the three phrases above wound their way through my brain cells. It just seemed right that I carry them into this year. I haven't come to grips with what they mean in their entirety. Is "new life" physically a new life or simply a rejuvenation of mind? "In service to others" - is it total sacrifice or being able to help others in the little ways that I can? "Stand tall" - this one has some clarity to it.
I hope my friends are doing well. As I've heard many of my wiccan friends say: Blessed be.

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 03:42:26 GMT

New Life.

In service to others.

Stand Tall.

California sunshine/fog

Mon, 18 Oct 2004 23:22:50 GMT

Asilomar conference centre in Pacific Grove. Rugged coastline. Ocean sounds. Green trees- solid not swaying. Mists over the ocean. Black suited surfers, crashing waves.

Vulnerable voice

Thu, 14 Oct 2004 23:58:52 GMT

Just spoke to Josette on the phone. She sounded like she was nearly in tears. I'm at work waiting for Rainer to pick me up. Josette is at the hospital with Mum & Dad. Dad's knee is incredibly swollen. They feared that something was torn.
It appears that nothing is torn but incredibly strained. My dad is a 64 year old who believes he's still 35 and can still work as hard as any young man.
Josette is very upset about it but putting an almost brave front on it. The hospital has always represented serious things to her.
I leave for a conference tomorrow. Back on the red eye on Tues a.m. What a time to go though...mum could certainly use some extra help.

Vinegar vapours

Mon, 16 Aug 2004 01:58:28 GMT

...wafting scents of mustard seed, pickle brine and garlic cloves,
permeate the blood-brain barrier to pickle my head-
My fingers smell of basil leaves, lemon rind and thyme-
Lavender, nasturtium and rosemary beckon through the acetic acid mists-
My tongue warmed by home-grown chamomile can only reply
"Next time".

Mon, 09 Aug 2004 21:37:56 GMT

Eventually, I'll get back to this journal.
Maybe sooner rather than later.
The air is whooshing back into my lungs.
The ostrich head no longer buried in the sand - now we're running across the desert dunes. Radiant sun, warm sand - open spaces in my mind.

Perspective or just more sleep?

Sat, 14 Feb 2004 10:18:31 GMT

Leaving Austria today. It has been a good week for work and visits. The conference allowed me to get to know the European sales reps and some of the customers. We seem to have an affinity for each other and a mutual understanding of things. This has been a far better experience than previous relations with sales reps that I have ranted about.

I found a vegetarian cafe that had meditative music and a lovely owner. I spent as much time as possible on my breaks there. For anyone visiting Salzburg, the address is Franz-Josef Str. 3 and it's called Coffee-to-go. The place is decorated in pale pastels and minimalist furniture. She just opened up in December. Phenomenal place for reading and getting away from the intensity of life to find peace again.

Went on the Sound of Music tour...cheesy yeah I know. The guide was over the top in the same way that Starmonkee can be :). He vanquished so much of the Hollywood myth surrounding the film. For example, the mountain that MAria was running down in the opening credits should have taken her an hour to get the abbey (by car, I think)- she does it in three minutes - what an athlete! Apparently the guide occasionally gets letters from people telling him that his ruined their lives by revealing the truth to them!

Met some Canadian girls yesterday and went out to dinner with them. It was fun. And now it's time to get back to the airport. A few days of work and then its vacation time with hubby - We're going to Cuba! Rest is good.

Back to the quiet space

Wed, 24 Dec 2003 17:09:59 GMT

As everything winds down for the season, that peaceful Christmas sensation wends its way through my brain. There was no hurrying about for gifts. Just a few simple gestures for family. Turkey dinner in our new house. A live indoor Norfolk pine that will hopefully live to see more Christmas celebrations. Church with family tonight and then Josette will come stay with us for Christmas Eve. Santa comes down our chimney just as easily as hers. I finished Rainer's gift last night.

What a year of transitions. From extremely high paced to finally slowing down.

Happy Holidays everyone.

I'm a wreck

Fri, 07 Nov 2003 02:18:35 GMT

Have I mentioned that I really don't like working with demanding customers and sales reps? I went against my gut instincts because of pressure from these guys and things went really badly, for me anyway. What a terrible two weeks. I'm exhausted and want to go home. I'd consider changing jobs if it wasn't for the fact that I would have to pay back moving expenses and the signing bonus if I leave before two years are up. And that wouldn't help towards paying off a mortgage. Okay there is also the part that says it's a good job just a shitty workload. And the part that says - what on earth am I going to do instead? I'm seriously thinking cashier or receptionist here. Is it possible to hide the fact that one has a PhD?
On the upside, we have a kitchen and a telephone number. I think I was more excited when the port-a-potty was removed a couple of weeks ago.
This post doesn't make sense to anyone but me. And maybe it doesn't even make sense to me. I need to drive home. Wish me luck.

Babies and so forth...

Fri, 24 Oct 2003 16:49:20 GMT

I just got off the phone with a friend from highschool with the hope of meeting up tonight. It turns out I'll be in Toronto every other Friday night while Rainer is busy with something. My friend is busy - going to an international mothering conference. I introduced this friend to a university friend a few years ago. They are now extremely good friends and are going to the conference together. The university friend just had her second baby three weeks ago.

This second friend and I had an odd parting when I left the country, an odd meeting when I returned to the country. Is this person still a friend? I have been pondering this a lot since we met in January. All things must pass.

My friends can be divided into basically two camps. One group of friends has babies and goes to mothering conferences etc. and cause me to imagine that I'm going to be one of those career women who want a family but doesn't end up having one and wallows in a big house.

The other group of friends is an elusive, eclectic bunch that are extremely busy doing extremely interesting things while I am being semi-domestic in the construction of our house.
Hmm... these were thoughts I had to get off my mind.

Sun, 12 Oct 2003 23:25:42 GMT

Rainer is back from Japan! I picked him up last night at the airport (what a nightmare drive) and drove him straight to our house in Caledon East. Still not completely done but definitely mostly liveable. I've missed him terribly. For the last five weeks he's been travelling at least three days out of each week. This last week he's been in Japan. Now he's home. Hopefully for a while.

I had an extremely busy week at work. Late night on Wednesday night in the office and then worked on Saturday as well with Nadia. Friday night I came home intending to help mom and dad with pear canning. I also had an eye doctor appointment. By the time I had to go to the eye doctor, there was no way I could drive. I had the worst migraine, I've had since going to Chile. Mom had to drive me to my appointment and then I went straight to bed. The pain was unbelieveable- cried myself to sleep. I slept from 8pm to 10 am the next day. Unbelieveable.
Still have vestiges of the headache.

Mom made a fabulous turkey dinner tonight. Now we're preparing to go back to our house for the evening. Painting on the agenda for tomorrow.And planting. And hauling manure...Enough said.

It's been a while...

Wed, 01 Oct 2003 02:09:57 GMT

Hmmm...Every couple of days I think to myself "I should write this down in my journal". Time and energy has not been on my side though lately (like in the last few months). Where shall I start? We'll just let this go in bits and pieces.

My father-in-law came to visit for ten days. Stress city for me translating between the different alpha male languages that were spoken over that period (father, husband and father-in-law, try to avoid the combination when renovating a house)

I went to see a play that my old friend Chris was in. Took my father-in-law with me. We had a fairly relaxing meal and a nice laugh at the play (Laughter on the 23rd floor by Niel Simon). Chris had kept the whole thing rather hush-hush. It was really good.

The night at the play got me thinking about my relationship with Chris. We've known each other since our last year of high school. We've also had some weird episodes together:

-sent to the principal's office because of us goofing around in the library (my first and only time visiting the principal),
- searching for pennies in the back of his car to make up a quarter for a phone call
- parking in our old school parking lot, having a tickle fight that ended nowhere
- tackling death by chocolate desserts at Kelsey's

We never dated, our friendship wasn't very strong. I really can't think of a word to describe what kind of relationship we have had but regardless it always ends up with one or the other coming up with sarcastic witticisms to put down the other. Some might call that a high school crush. Weird. Needless to say we've kept in contact for ten years now.

The tiling is almost done in one of the bathrooms. Cream and black-emerald tiles with possibly copper or burnished gold paint on the walls.

Woke up at 1:30 in the morning to call Jantien. I miss her. Enough said.

Have had devilish work weeks, too much coffee (yes, I'm back on it) and not enough sleep.

Streaked my hair blonde and violet. Found myself a keeper for a hairdresser.

Can't find any of my clothes in the mornings. Really need to move out.

Lost 8 pounds in the last few weeks. Went to the doctor who repled to my concern with the comment "You think too much". Story of my life.

A talent for taping or merely necessity?

Mon, 08 Sep 2003 01:40:47 GMT

Don came over to give us our second "tutorial" on drywalling. It's been two and a half weeks since we last saw him. He was impressed with what we had accomplished so far. Angela and Lincoln were there again too. Between the three of us we managed to do either first or second layers of several rooms. Rainer is still drill guy on stilts. All the drywall (except the bathrooms) is up on the first floor now. Need to make sure we know which sections of wall have one or two layers. I can do corners fairly well now. First it was simply screw holes, then seams now corners...if my day job doesn't work out I can always do drywall...Let's not get ahead of myself eh?
Josette's been great - she's helped Mom tilling the soil and this morning went straight for the sand pile and shovel to put all the sand into a wheel barrow and move it away. What a girl!
Mom's been resident chef and Dad, man of all skills. Doug, our neighbour, dropped by to help today too. He's awesome. A vice-principal, down to earth but kind of zany too. He's a machine when it comes to putting up drywall.
Rainer and I have been camping out almost every weekend now and one night during the week (then we have to shower at work - weekends we're just stinky).

On lightening

Wed, 27 Aug 2003 03:16:49 GMT

Last night, Rainer and I camped in our house. We put a tent inside the sun room, the first to be covered in drywall and spent quite a restful night in it. We had a view through the top of our tent, out of the skylights. Around 2 am, a massive lightening storm struck bringing with it what sounded like torrential rains. I love rainstorms. They wake me up inside. They are a massive demonstration of Nature and God.
A few days earlier we had been driving in the country and were witness to another lightening display: Triply forked tongues of light lashed out on all sides of us, sheet lightening whitened black clouds and cross cloud strikes spoke a language ancient to the skies. No artist could recreate, no photographer capture, the visions that evoked the primal feeling that crept along our skin while bearing witness to this electrical montage. Truly magnificent.

Blackout blessing

Mon, 18 Aug 2003 02:13:20 GMT

The blackout we had from Thursday to Friday was a blessing in disguise. It was a time to think about what it is I take for granted each and every day. When I was a child, I used to wonder, what would happen if all of a sudden the world had no more electricity? It was something that I was mentally preparing myself for. I had visions of Conan-like civilizations re-emerging. The past few days were a means of finding the answer to that question. I couldn't work on my computer, and there was no point to going to work - the computer network was down, scientific instrumentation vented and required overnight pump down to get back to vacuum.

Mum and I took Josette to work by public transit. Josette couldn't understand why we had no lights the evening before and was panicking until I found her flashlight. The restaurant where she worked had power by the time her shift came along and was operational. Josette was adamant about going. Mum and I stayed for a light salad. The restaurant is owned by a Greek family who adore Josette. One of the daughter's commented that Josette was amazing, she would do things better than someone who was "normal". The memory that a Down's child has is unbelievable. Josette is extremely meticulous. If you show her that the red book has to be beside the yellow book on a 45 degree angle to the left side of the desk- it will be that way - forever. Josette's room has not changed in the last 20 years, no matter which house we've lived in because she puts everything in EXACTLY the same place.

Mum and I sat in the park waiting for Jo's shift to end. We watched a pair of grandparent's babysitting their grandchild, children racing around on bicycle's under the watchful eye of parents, birds and squirrels begging for food. And we chatted.

Rainer had taken advantage of the day by going up to the house with my Dad to finish the vapour barrier in the house.

It was a grat way to spend the day - in the sun, watching the people in it, finding out more about my sister's interactions within her universe and sitting in the park with Mum. Why do I want to go back to an overly air-conditioned lab again?

Building a home

Thu, 14 Aug 2003 02:11:17 GMT

It has been a while since words crossed this page. My life at the moment centres around building a home - both physically and philosophically.

On the physical side, Rainer, Angela and I managed to finish most of the insulation last Saturday. The help of my family on Sunday ensured that the remainder was completed. Both Angela and I were quite sore after the work Saturday. We must have done a few hundred squats and reaches putting all the insulation into place. Our appetites were voracious - barbecue steak, corn and not-so-done potatoes were well appreciated that evening.

It was really nice spending time with Ang. Even though we work in the same place, a fifteen minute coffee break here and there is not enough. I also met Buffy - the big dog in the small dog body that adores Angela. Buffy was extremely well behaved, incredibly intelligent and had just the right serious growl when you got too close to her steak.

The next stage involves putting in drywall. We are going to be taught ( I kid you not) how to do the drywall by a person who does it professionally but who is unable to do our house at this time. He's giving us and whatever friends are joining us a tutorial! Cool eh? We've recruited a few people from work to help out. Should be fun but a lot of work. We're starting in the dressing room (where we can afford to make mistakes) and moving on to one of the bathrooms so that I can get started with the tiling. A port-a-potty is just not the same!
Since we've had so many delays we don't have a moving in date anymore. We figure that one of these days we'll be there and appreciate it.

As for the philosophical side of building a home, I think I'm finally realizing that I can't go back to Holland, that yes, three to four different people will be dictating my routine to me for the next little while but I'm being patient. I love my crazy family.

The REALLY good part is that Rainer and I are very close to one another again. The assimilation was difficult for both of us, compounded by the fact that we have no private life at the moment. I've come to think of him as my husband and friend again. A part of me the same as I am a part of him. A blessing.

Thu, 24 Jul 2003 03:09:40 GMT

Workaholic. Insomniac. Coffee Addict. Child-like not childish. Too many words in my head. Late at night. Hoarse voiced. Chest pains. Sister. Daughter. Lover. Me. The light from the computer screen casts macabre shades on my hands. Time for change. It always is. Change for a time. Is it always?

It's hot, it's humid...

Tue, 24 Jun 2003 23:33:39 GMT

...but quite luxurious to the skin.

Things to look forward to: A friend's wedding this Saturday in Welland; An extra day off (hopefully if my boss approves) Monday, Peter Gabriel concert on the 4rth, electricity going into the house, spending quality time with hubby at every event,

Things to remember: seeing my grandmother for the last time this time last year, spending time with Godwin in Malta, going back to my roots to build the tree.

Well..and the days become brighter...

Mon, 23 Jun 2003 23:58:18 GMT

That last post was extremely moody- I'd been feeling guilty about it for some time now. Today, I read gurdonark's "license to be..." and I felt much better about writing my feelings in this journal. I've been feeling better for a couple of weeks now. Two weeks of conferences and meetings were much more relaxing than I had expected them to be. One week was in Montreal- there's something nice about company paid meals and hotels, meeting new people and wandering around a beautiful city. Montreal proved to be the break away from home that my psyche had been craving. Rainer was there too so we got to spend evenings together with old friends from Montreal as well.

The Saturday after the conference (9 days ago now...how time flies!) Laura and I met at the AGO had a lovely brunch and walked through the Tom Thomson exhibit (we missed you D). It was lovely being able to spend the time with an old friend and talk quietly. Lovely wine and great Canadian art. On the bus to and from the art gallery, I finally got a chance to read a Writer's magazine that had been sitting at my desk for a month already. Great!

Sunday, Lara and George came over (friends of parents) incredibly cultured people. Lara is an engineer, George a retired Psychiatrist. Makes for some interesting conversations.

Last week passed by too quickly. Back into the swing of things at work although not quite full throttle. That's what this week is for. More work than I can possibly finish in a day. I've lost my all nighter abilities. Not worth it the next day.

The brick is almost done on our house! It's starting to look like a home. I swept a lot of the sawdust and scraps out of most of the rooms upstairs...not too early to start keeping it clean. We also obtained tons of gorgeous stone over the weekend. For almost free...just delivery. A construction site next to our work is being developed and the engineers had simply piled up some lovely granite to be hauled away. We asked if it was okay to haul it away ourselves, they said sure and now we have a few thousand tons of granite...now we need to place the stone...hmmm...

The sun is shining, the birds are singing. I have several ideas for novels and short stories but absolutely no time to write them... life goes on.

I'm in a mood...

Fri, 06 Jun 2003 02:02:51 GMT

...the kind that feels every sting and criticism, the kind that feels shackled living in this house, in this country. It's a pissed off mood. It's an "I want..." mood instead of a "what would you like?" mood. It's the kind of mood where I feel guilty because my mother is doing my ironing, when I really don't care whether they are ironed here or right before my meetings in Montreal. It's the I'm so tired I want to collapse mood and I don't care if you're tired too. It's the kind of mood that is screaming inside because I can't just take a nap and wake up in the middle of the night to pack . And really, why can't we have an in-between size of suitcase instead of too large and too small? I want balance , I want zen, I want a series of movements that my body can do without thinking. A quiet cup of tea. The smell of fresh rain. No quick movements. A dust free house. I'm definitely imbalanced. Where can I find peace?

neuron fired

Thu, 05 Jun 2003 02:03:02 GMT

Sunshine in the meadow,
Lillies in the stream,
Touch me in the moonlight,
Enter in the dream.

Back in the saddle, not quite in her groove

Mon, 02 Jun 2003 01:20:52 GMT

Well I'm back sort of. The head seems to be screwed on a bit tighter. Still going through the self worth issues. It was mostly tied to the lack of sleep, the extremely tight work schedule, the associated pressures and lack of breathing space.

I am heading into two weeks of meetings and conferences. My poster still needs to be legally approved and scientifically verified by an outside source but my Team Leader said it is "well balanced and good". That has to mean something. Had a talk with my manager about a customer visit gone wrong. We bantered about the concept that "my data is my worth" which seems to be a common problem amongst the people in my work group. My manager doesn't believe it. He's a good guy to work for but he has high expectations.

This weekend consisted of more down time away from work than I've had in a long time. I worked on the finishing touches of my poster from 7-11:30 am, jumped into the shower and got ready to go to a wedding. It was really lovely. I met some old friends and some new. The bride was a real lady and the groom has always had a special place in my heart.
Rainer and I stayed at a bed and breakfast so we got to have the time together that we've missed this last month or so. Between work and housing issues we tend to meet in the car on the way to and from work and before we go to bed. It was great spending time with my husband again. The wedding was the first opportunity in three years to slow dance together. Happy camper.

It is about 9:00 pm and I'm sitting at the computer again. I have a presentation to give on Tuesday to slightly intimadating guests. It's only ten minutes but requires that I have their attention. Must be on CD by morning. I don't like working this way. It drives me absolutely mad, as you gentle readers are well aware. I thank you profusely for your wise words of friendship and encouragement.

My dying in two weeks experiment, made me realize that if I was actually dying, I wouldn't be scrambling around trying to finish a report for work (I hope). I did however stop putting off certain things and just did them. Most of the time the mountains were only mole hills. My climbing strength is returning. It also made me realize that I am a workaholic. This I need to work on (no pun intended).

In other news, I saw Catriona Lemay Doane speak at a seminar within our company. She seems like a very level headed individual, has a trustworthy smile and some good advice. Achieving one's goals requires passion, commitment and determination- but you have to define what those goals are and enjoy what you're doing otherwise it isn't worth it. Of course, I teared up. Me - the person describe as rather unfeeling in certain circumstances in Holland, teared up. Good. Reality is starting to sink in. Let's get a grip and move on. It'll be a late night tonight. These nights will have their end. Got to.

Have a good week, gentle readers.

weary

Fri, 23 May 2003 12:22:23 GMT

Little less than two weeks ago, I began playing a game with myself. What if I knew I was going to die in two weeks? How would I live my life? I've tried to be a better person - gentler, more patient, doing things right away instead of putting them off. It works to a certain degree. But I'm so tired, and there are so many more things that are deemed necessary to do, given the fact that in my scenario, I've decided to keep working. I can't do it all. I'm so tired. A few more days to go.